“I was a holy terror!” Tina described herself, smiling sheepishly as she sat across from me recounting her life as a child. “I would get into fights with other kids in the neighborhood. I became known as a bully and for not playing fair with the other children.” It was hard to imagine the soft spoken, full figured thirty-something year old woman, with the widest and warmest smile I had ever seen as a bully. “I was five when my mom made us stay after school at my Aunt’s house until she got home from work.” “I hated it there!” Her aunt would beat her regularly for being a “bad child.” At school however, Tina was different. She was well mannered and all her teachers and her friends liked her. Tina’s mother was puzzled. She did not understand the two faces of Tina.
By the time Tina was 15 years old there were only two bright spots in her life… her grandmother, who would visit every summer…and running, she loved track and field. Tina immediately sat upright in her chair, her back straight and in a stern voice she imitated her coach …”Now Tina, whenever you’re in the turn, that’s when you need to kick the hardest and don’t look back when you’re in the homestretch!” We both giggled at Tina’s imitation.
One summer while Tina’s grandmother from Louisiana was visiting, she noticed how much Tina’s demeanor had changed. Tina seemed angry at the whole world! Acting on a suspicion, Tina’s grandmother did some investigating and was horrified by what she discovered. Tina, her sister and her cousin, had been repeatedly molested by her aunt’s husband during their stay after school. Tina’s family was devastated! The trial was long and exhausting but the family was happy with the guilty verdict. The pieces of the puzzle were finally fitting together, but the picture was far from complete. Tina was now left to pick up the broken pieces of her life and move on.
Tina struggled in the years that followed to live a normal life. She was very happy when she met and married Paul and they had a son together. Unknown to Tina, Paul had a long history of criminal activity, including cocaine use. “I started using cocaine with him, just to show him how much I loved him, but he never loved me back.” She even wrote bad checks in order to help Paul pay off drug debts. Things quickly spiraled downward and soon Tina found herself behind bars.
In June 2006, Tina walked through the doors of Theodora House at Volunteers of America. She was a hurt and angry woman. “I didn’t care about the way I looked or anything and I didn’t care about anybody.” Tina would get into fights daily with other female residents. “Everyone here hated me! When I think back, I realize how stupid I must have looked to everybody.” Everyone else was moving on with their lives. “I would see ladies walking through the halls, some were laughing and talking about what kind of day they had and some were talking about different classes they had been to. I was alone.” Tina knew she had to make a change.
Tina became involved in Theodora House’s Healing Families Program. The Anger Management group, one of the components of the Healing Families Program, is designed to teach women methods and skills to deal with anger toward themselves and others. “It was hard for me at first”, Tina said. She had to face some of the same clients and staff with whom she had been verbally abusive.
“I could tell that some of the other ladies did not want to be around me but I was tired of being angry all the time.” Tina had to learn to develop trust in her counselors in order get the help she needed, and more importantly, to get the help she truly wanted. It took several sessions, but she learned to trust her counselors and she learned that her counselors did not talk about “her business” with others. “I feel like a burden was lifted off my shoulders. I think I can identify some of the things that trigger my anger and now I can deal with them better.”
On July 10th however, Tina was dealt another devastating blow. Her husband Paul served her divorce papers. She remembered the day as if it was yesterday. She tried to make contact with him to find how why, but her letters went unanswered. Tina was heart broken! This was one more hurt, one more betrayal! “I told my heart, you can go ahead and jump out if you want to, but I am moving on.”
Theodora House’s Healthy Relationships Group teaches women to identify and understand the elements of a healthy relationship. “I have set boundaries for myself and they no longer include him.” “I am not going to allow anyone to mistreat me anymore.” Years of hurt and anger were addressed in individual counseling sessions. “I talked about what happened to me for the first time. I know now that what happened to me was not my fault.” Tina also learned that there were other women at Theodora House who had similar experiences. Tina’s counselors and everyone around her began to notice a change. “People look forward to seeing me and they miss me when I am not here,” Tina said as her eyes welled with tears.
Challenges exist at Theodora House just like they do everywhere else but whenever she has feelings of doubt she remembers the words of her track coach … “Whenever you’re in the turn Tina, that’s when you need to kick the hardest and don’t look back when you are in the homestretch.” Tina has completed all her classes, including Anger Management, Trauma, and Parenting. She plans to continue in the after care program. Volunteers of America partners with Dress for Success and through this program Tina learned tips on dressing for job interviews. Having nice clothes also helped Tina’s self esteem. Tina’s face lit up as she talked about “Back to School Night”. This program developed at Theodora House, allows female clients the opportunity to spend time helping their children prepare for going back to school. Now she is looking forward to this coming Saturday when she will have the opportunity to spend the evening with her son in one of the private family suites at Theodora House.
Tina is looking to the future. She knows there will be challenges along the way but she feels up to the task. “I didn’t think I was going to make it but I am beginning to heal”. Tina has no plans to give up now because she knows that she is in the homestretch.
Learn more about Healing Families.